grandpa t

Last week I had a couple of relevant things happen that put me into a position of deep thinking. On Monday the 7th, I went to my Grandpa Tuckett’s funeral. He wasn’t my real grandpa… but he was a stand-in that my sister and I both accepted because our real one didn’t want much to do with us. The real one wasn’t a bad guy, just not into kids – hella crazy about horses though. Hmmm. Anyway, growing up, Grandma and Grandpa Tuckett lived on 5 acres that became a favorite playground for us. Especially me, the tom boy. I could get into a lot of dirt and search for rocks on the gravel road. I still have a pocketful of rocks from those days. They also had four wheelers that we could tag along with our grandpa on despite the grumblings from our parents. Memories inside the walls of the house include falling down the stairs and breaking my big toe, seeing my uncle put my older half brother in the dryer (or was it the other way around?), but the most significant memory is the pool table. Grandpa was a tournament player. He started the first pool league in the Portland metro area. Given all his pointers and coaching throughout the years, I absolutely suck at pool. Oh and I guess he taught me left-handed, go figure. Another awesome grandpa Tuckett memory? The beer pancakes, oh my!

In the 90’s, I think, Grandpa and Grandma got a divorce. This wasn’t something I was entirely familiar with. I only saw Grandpa T. a handful of times after that the last time being high school graduation. The years passed and his memory faded from my mind. I got updates once in awhile from my mom, his step-daughter, but never made a point to see him. Nor did the son from that marriage make an effort. So when the funeral came and I was standing in the bitter cold at Willamette Cemetery, I was surprised when his son and my uncle shed tears as Taps was played. I’m not incredibly close to my parents, but I love them dearly, and I know they know that. They know that if anything happens I will be there even if I’m not really there otherwise. The real grandpa, my mom’s father who likes horses, was disowned by my mom and her two brothers when he left my grandma. Two of them came around later in life and were in his life as much as he would let them be. I guess I’m questioning why people would have kids if they are just going to be ditched by them. How common is this trend? Is it just my family? Is it the way they are raised? I have no idea.

The second thing that happened that isn’t quite as significant but put me in a state of reflection, is a good friend got engaged. A person that I would never deem able to settle down with one person for the rest of his life. I have seen him grow and come full circle, and I believe he is capable of this to some degree. I guess it made me realize how jaded I might still be from my own experiences and how I need to let that along with all the pain go. I feel very well adapted, strong and healthy, I have come a long way from 2008. However, I just don’t know if I believe that a person could love me the rest of our lives? Is it possible? I hope so. :)